Suicide Watch

Recently I purchased one of the fancy smart watches that does just about everything but clean my house. It fascinates me just how far technology has come over the last decade. I won’t say I’m old but I did save my paint drawings to a floppy disk. Not too bad, right? Back to this watch though. It has a great feature that measures my stress levels and gives me breathing exercises if it’s in the red. I LIVE in the red.

I have what you could label a high stress job with many demands so the watch is usually beeping for me to breathe and get out of the dangers hues. By mid-morning I’ve launched far beyond the calm blue. It’s become a bit of a habit to look at it throughout the day and see just how bad off I am. Sounds sick doesn’t it? I am sick though.

Beginning last year and in to this one I have been given a plethora of nasty diagnoses that most physicians cringe at and dismiss me all-together for. I don’t let this fact get me too down but some things I tried to keep buried over the last couple of decades have surfaced with such ferocity even the bravest warriors would be left weeping.

More often than not I am utterly consumed with the fascination of my own demise. I’ve obsessed over dying from the tender age of ten until now. It is a constant barrage of measurements, calculations, what to write, where to go, and so on. The madness inside of my head never ends, I wake and sleep to the idea of killing myself.

I’ve found the perfect ropes for the job, what milligrams of my prescribed medication I would need, and where to find insulin to do the job. I will be driving through traffic and have to control the urge to drive off in to a line of trees, knowing full well my ratty old vehicle won’t save me. So all this tangent is meant to tell you is that I want to die all of the time, but never have. This all has a point, I promise.

Enough medication to sedate a wild animal has been given to me in an attempt to curb these intense ideations of suicide. I’ve been tranquilized in to a functioning adult who no longer has the energy to act on what I feel in my heart is the best option. They’ve made me a zombie so I will behave by society’s norms. I’ve been chemically seduced in to normalcy. I honestly hate it but what choice have I ever had?

I ran out of pills over the weekend, foolish spending and the cost of maintaining a sedated lifestyle got the best of me. My new phone was more important than all of the garbage they’re filling my body with. So I had a new watch, phone, and zero medications to keep this body from revolting back to old habits.

Monday was a Monday, as to be expected. My watch stayed in red all day, hovering just above the icon telling me to take a break. I kept my eyes on it for most of the day while I stuffed down the rude comments that came bubbling up with my ill mood. If only you could see the hilariously weak battle going on inside my head as I made polite and prompt client calls. I was productive, helped a coworker through her own bad day, and went home like everything was alright.

Even once I arrived and checked, yep, it was still red as could be. After household chores I went to bed and curled up with some music and a new package I’d received in the mail. A quick run of my knife and the tape was gone. It brought my attention to the blade and left me to ponder, this would be the perfect time. I ran the cool metal gently from top to bottom of my wrist and envisioned how great the release would be to just press down and bleed out. My watch buzzed as I contemplated the timing, it was a friend telling me he missed me. I scrolled past his message to my stress. It took time to read but came out a lovely shade of blue. The thought of ending it all had calmed me more than a walk in the park earlier had. For the first time all day I was calm. I was in my familiar safe home of death.

It was almost startling how truly at ease I was with finally going through with it. But on the other hand I had to step back and evaluate. Even now, the next day, I am still chewing on that fact. It may take time to fully digest. I’ve been on this Earth for nearly three decades and I still have much I do not begin to claim I know or understand. How my mind works is an anomaly to me. One day we may know but for now, I think I owe my friend a thanks for popping up right on time.